Indiana Jones and Tenure
by Ordos45
Summary: Full title in fic. Indiana Jones meets his most deadly enemy yet, his tenure committee.


**Indiana Jones and the Not So Understanding Tenure Committee**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Indiana Jones or related characters, very rich people do. This is just parody that was inspired by a marathon today on USA Network.

**Story:**

Dr. Henry Jones Jr.,

This committee regrets to inform you that you have not been granted the tenure you applied for. This decision was not reached lightly, nor swiftly. The committee weighed carefully the evidence that you submitted for consideration. However there were flaws with your evidence and deep concerns about what you do in this university:

You claim to have dealt a damaging blow to a Thuggee cult in India. Upon contact, British authorities assure us that the worshipers of Kali-Ma were eliminated over half a century ago in the 1800s. We were unable to track down anyone to corroborate this outlandish tale.

You claim to have recovered the Ark of the Covenant. While you assure us the U.S. government is storing it in a "secret warehouse", the government denies this rather unique claim.

You claim to have lost the Holy Grail. Other than your own father, we found no one willing to corroborate that you did anything other than seek out this mythical artifact and cause massive property damage.

You claim to have been in contact with alien beings, but again we could find no corroborating evidence. Furthermore, we all know that the crystal skulls are modern forgeries from the 1930s, let alone with advances you failed to employ in your study of them following the Second World War.

During the course of these "adventures" you claim to have engaged in battle with cultists, Nazis, Communists, and space aliens. We have found no evidence of this, and furthermore the Physics department assures us that you could not have survived a nuclear blast inside of a refrigerator, let alone survived being tossed by the shockwave as you describe.

Throughout your accounts you make use of the supernatural in ways that defy modern science.

Many of your pages are covered in blood, we expect things to be orderly when submitted for review, and clean of bodily fluids and other distractions.

You have yet to actually teach an entire semester of one class in the time you have been employed by this institution. We are not counting your work in World War Two against you, however, this does not make up for abandoning your teaching duties in every other semester of your employment.

You have failed to publish in any refereed journals during the years you have been employed here.

You have failed to engage in your service work. The Undergraduate Curriculum Committee has never seen you in a single meeting in your three year term with them. You have yet to attend a single graduation despite being on the university-wide Graduation Committee. Your students inform us you are never present during your office hours and have failed to provide even a semblance of academic advising.

Recently you led vandals on a chase through the university grounds, resulting in severe damage to university property and the destruction of a number of artifacts in your department. This wanton destruction of priceless relics appears to be a pattern in your employment history given your descriptions submitted regarding your "adventures".

While students appreciate you using a whip in the classroom when you do bother to attend, we do not condone the use of weapons at Marshall College in any setting. Also it should be noted that while we have an attendance policy for undergraduate students, you should adhere to it as well.

Marshall College expects the best from its faculty in our era of good morals and values. You expressed your desire to emulate these values when signing your employment contract; it has come to light that you have been intervening on behalf of your bastard child with other faculty to aid his academic career.

The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics has accused you of thievery, but will not specify the nature of the theft.

Your period of employment with this university has been a continual parade of insubordinate behavior and lack of interaction with your colleagues and students.'

You will be given a period of one year to find future employment and we regret if this comes as a shock to you. However, we believe that you should have been aware of these issues from meetings with the Chair of the Department of Archeology.

The Tenure Committee wishes you the best of luck,

Dr. Lindsey Matali

Marshall College Tenure Committee


End file.
